We are an interconnected society. We cannot go through a single day without some sort of communication, interaction or association with others. While the Internet may have taken the personal out of communication, it has not taken human relations out of our lives. Whether it is interaction with co-workers, family members, friends, cyberspace buddies, employees, merchants, salespeople, telemarketers, roommates, neighbors, fellow parishioners, club members, or teammates…we all must deal with people. And as sure as there is contact, there will be conflict. It is a rare individual that can honestly say he has not had a conflict in his life.

In my workshop on Conflict Resolution, one exercise asks for words we associate with “Conflict”. A majority of the responses are negative…angry, war, attack, fight, hurt, fear…the list goes on. When, however, it is suggested that conflict might have a positive side, the tenor of the responses changes. The new associations include words like….rewarding, growth, positive change, win/win. Conflict can be negative, but it is my challenge to those attending the workshop to change the way they view conflict and see it as an opportunity.

Conflict resolution is a skill. If we were all born with that skill, attorneys, counselors, therapists, and mediators would have switched careers long ago. CR is taught in schools, colleges, graduate schools and business workshops.

Conflict resolution knows no age boundaries, I have trained Middle School children to be peer mediators and have attended and presented training in Elder Mediation. It is in the latter area that I find the most challenge and reward. While the basics are the same, Elder Mediation brings with it a set of issues that require an understanding of aging, family dynamics, community issues, and competency.

I had the privilege to present a workshop to Interfaith Caregivers Volunteers on dispute resolution with the elderly. Initially, we discussed the myths that abound concerning aging. In an Aging Quiz we pondered a common belief that…”Most older adults have difficulty adapting to change; they are set in their ways.” In reality, “…older adults are no more rigid than younger adults. This tends to be a relatively stable personality characteristic. Thus, individuals who are rigid and have difficulty adapting to change in young adulthood will probably have these same difficulties when they become older.” If you have interest in the rest of this Quiz you will find it at http://www.webster.edu/~woolflm/myth.html.

 Indeed, we need to remember to forget all those myths and take each client, participant, complainant, or family member individually and evaluate their situation and capacity without the stereotypes and prejudices.

It goes without saying that this is only a prelude to the subject of conflict resolution, particularly with the elderly. But, what I have found in mediation that transcends all age groups is that our most effective tool in any conflict situation is our ability to listen. When we listen actively, using tools like reflecting, summarizing and open ended questioning, we begin a dialog that often leads to healing, resolution, understanding, acknowledgment and recognition. Conversely, if we try to “fix” a conflict and dictate its resolution rather than allowing the disputants to conceive their own agreement, we confound the solution. It is tempting to become Solomon and wisely decide how a situation should be resolved. It is, however, more permanent and uplifting to allow those involved in a dispute to design their own resolution with our help and our reflections. The challenge lies in that task.

Lorraine Kostinas, MA, CALA

BA English Education Major, Psychology Minor --- The College of New Jersey (Trenton State College)

New Jersey Certified Teacher

NJ Certified Assisted Living Administrator since 1999

MA Legal Studies / Dispute Resolution Concentration --- Montclair State University

Advanced Training in Elder Mediation --

Montgomery County Mediation Center Member: NJAPM, ACR

Mercer County Municipal Mediator

Peer Mediation Trainer, Peace Roots LLC. Little Falls, NJ

"All polishing is done by friction." Mary Parker Follett